A Straw-Woman Argument

I strongly support gender equality, but it bugs me that sometimes modern gender equality is mis-interpreted as pro-woman. Political correctness also bugs me, particularly when people try to rewrite the English language because some words or expressions might be deemed offensive. Leaving aside for a moment that being offended is a state of mind in the reader, a language is not suitably expressive if it cannot provoke an emotional response (including offending people). I thus will try to provoke an emotional response with this short speech, modeled as being by and for some of the people who bug me in a non-insectoid way.

Good evening Ladies and Germs.

We all know of the threat men have posed to civilization throughout the eras. They have lived to dominate, and fought equality at every turn. But now the tides are turning, and they are losing their power to dominate. All forms of discrimination are on the decline. No longer can employers discriminate against a woman because she is Hispanic, can’t speak the official language of her country of employment, or is merely incompetent. But she is still discriminated against because she is a woman! All the lady giants hit their heads on a chauvinistic glass ceiling, and will always do so until we can stem the flow of all forms of sexism in our society. This would be easiest if we got rid of all the men.

I call upon all the female scientists, whom I know are at least as good as the male ones, to research artificial sperm and completely remove the need for men. But I commend the efforts of our scientists so far, for artificial insemination and other assisted reproduction technologies. This technology finally gives us the option to corral all men as breeding stock, as women were once so mistreated. Further technology allows us to supplant men in their traditional areas, meaning a society bereft of men no longer means lost utility. Firearms in particular level the playing field for the battle of the sexes, all women should get some and walk without fear. I encourage all women to rise up and imprison all men for their collective crimes against humanity.

If we do not go to these lengths to stop men, we must prevent them from stopping us. We cannot allow jobs to exist which women cannot apply for, pay-grades women cannot achieve, and respect women cannot earn. Women should be placed in the top echelons for every industry, but we should not wait for that before we require equal median pay between the sexes to be enforced in every industry. Discrimination based on sex should be illegal in all cases, from foot soldiers to footballers. Sexual harassment against women needs to be policed even more extensively, so that women can feel safe in all of these workplaces. And training across all industries needs to take place to ensure womens’ special needs are met. But the goal cannot be just to let women take the roles of men, exactly like men. We are still women, and we must not trade away our unique femininity for our freedoms. We much insist on flexible dress codes allowing women the choice of suits or skirts. We must fight for higher industry standards in maternity leave and specialist healthcare. And we must not allow children to be separated from their mothers in cases of divorce custody.

These are core issues, although I believe there are many other allowances that should be made. For example, so long as women are still judged by their looks they should get a half-an-hour paid time off every morning due to the makeup and beauty requirements that men don’t have; and clothes should be tax-deductible business expenses for women. But these details can be worked out later if we push hard on our core agenda of equality, affirmative action, and treating men as livestock until artificial alternatives are more fully developed. Thank you.

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